So I'm preparing for yet another 'diet'...

Everytime I say "this is it" and slip up but with a new found support group and just being sick of being 'fat' and 'unhappy' with it, I'm ready!

Tomorrow, I'll post pics, stats etc - Are you ready? I am! :D

Yesterday was horrible...

My dedication level last week was 'satisfactory' but yesterday it was straight binging. I didn't have anything to eat until 11:30 am and that was a Big mac meal; then I took the kids cinema and had toffee popcorn, and I came home about 3pm and had mash potatoes with sardine and cheese (mad yucky combination but it's really nice).

Around 8pm, I had another portion of mash and sardine and cheese, fast forward to midnight I couldn't sleep so I thought lemme come downstairs and do some laundry but I ended up not doing the laundry but watching CSI and eating the final portion of mash and sardines at about 1:00am. 

Terrible right?

This morning though, I'm back being good. For breakfast, I had steam veg and a 1/4 of chicken breast and I only used about 1/4 teaspoon of olive oil to make it. It sounds like dinner doesn't? But the important bit is that it was a healthy breakfast. High in fibre, low in carbs, good enough protein, low in fat but just the right amount 'good fat', low in sodium = all good.

I think I'm back on track now. :)

What is my problem and why can't I stick to a regime?

The word 'regime' sounds so strict doesn't it? Could that be the problem?

I know what my problems are though and they affect not just my weight loss but every crook and cranny of my life. I'm a perpetual procrastinator and daydreamer.

Thinking back to when I was a child/teen I can now see what were early signs are now major problems. For example, you know when you start a brand new term in school (say September) I would say '' I'm gonna write my notes really neat '' or '' I'm going to do so and so '' and within a day or two that just goes out the window. I never stick to anything or I'll put it off until the very last minute.

I went Jamaica in May and I was still packing even when the cab came! The other day I had 6 assignments for college and on my way to one of the exams I snuck in just 6 minutes of revision before the exam and that was the only time I revised in the two weeks notice we received that we had an exam coming up. I managed to pass though but that is besides the point - this aspect of my personality can kill me. Obesity is no joke.

Now on researching ways to drop this 'habit' or 'personality trait' I came across this article

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How to Stop Your Procrastination Now

1. Procrastination is the great killer of our goals and aspirations. We always get caught in the cycle of hopeful enthusiasm, then second guessing, and finally resignation. The first step in stopping your procrastination now is MAKING A CLEAR DECISION OF WHAT YOU WANT. Do you want to be a writer? Do you want to do better in school? Make a clear decision what you want first and foremost.
2. The second step in stopping your procrastination now is LESSENING YOUR MOODINESS. For example, if you want to quit smoking, you are going to have to go through withdrawal sysmptoms before you stop having the craving. Sometimes you have to be strictly logical with yourself about your strengths and weaknesses in your life in order to make the desired changes.
   
3. The third step in stopping your procrastination now is to STOP DAYDREAMING. Daydreaming is great in the beginning because it'll let you know that you are not living the full life you are entitled to; after that, it becomes a hindrance as you get caught in your fantasies. Start doing and stop thinking about doing. I hope this has been a helpful article on how to stop procrastinating. Good luck! [Source]

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Number 3 suits me to the T! My heart actually sank when I read that bit; I'm such a daydreamer and I've been doing it since I was 12/13. I remember all my fantasies from they started to this day. I can't be without music as that is when I live in my own world. 

My virtual 'world' is also a hindrance, I live online and in my thoughts and while I live in a virtual reality my true reality is sliding pass.

Oh, did I also tell you guys that I'm a recluse? :( Oh boy, anyway I'm signing off for now. I'll continue another time.

“Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be” -  George Sheehan

My stats in pics..

So I thought I would take the official initial snap shots so I can track my progress even better.

43 inch waist

Sideview

216lbs

I'm disappointed in myself once again...

Yeah yeah, how many times will I say this right? How many times will I continue to be weak?

Why do I keep doing this? I know the pattern, I mean it's been happening for the past 10 years. It's absolutely pathetic really. I know what will make me eat, lose weight, make me feel fat etc.

I realise that if I have a protein shake in the morning, it's as if I've been 'good' or I've 'accomplished' something, that positive feeling motivates me and I'm not sure if it's all in the mind but I usually don't feel hungry again until atleast another 5 hours.

I can't even bring my thoughts together properly of how I truly feel - when I'm so low I can't even articulate my feelings, they just are.

Everyday I say, ''..ok this is the last one..'', everyday I say '' oh I will start tomorrow..'' but I've been saying that for 10 fucking years and I'm just getting fatter and fatter and fatter and fucking fatter everyday.

I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself but today I'm really low and as I type this I feel tears welling up in my eyes because all I can think about now is having a piece of cake that myself and the kids baked today...

What I will do to try and dismiss the craving is say something along the lines of ... '' ok, if you don't give into the temptation it means you will overcome obesity but if do give into it you will never leave this category...''...

But right after thinking that, I will still dip into the jar and get some custard creams, why do I do it? Most of the time I'm not even hungry..

I dunno, I'm just gonna go to bed and sleep off this feeling... I'm just really low - not 'depression' low but just extremely disappointed in myself...

New found hope and motivation...

The title says it all, nothing more nothing less. :)

Today is one of them days where my life seems purposeless...

I guess my depression is creeping back up on me...

Minus the kids at home, I'm just lonely, isolated and I feel as if 'is this really living?'..

My cousin came to stay with me for a week and now that she's gone it's almost like it made me realise how much I need human interaction. I thought I was a happy recluse but now I see that's just a front.