I'm disappointed in myself once again...

Yeah yeah, how many times will I say this right? How many times will I continue to be weak?

Why do I keep doing this? I know the pattern, I mean it's been happening for the past 10 years. It's absolutely pathetic really. I know what will make me eat, lose weight, make me feel fat etc.

I realise that if I have a protein shake in the morning, it's as if I've been 'good' or I've 'accomplished' something, that positive feeling motivates me and I'm not sure if it's all in the mind but I usually don't feel hungry again until atleast another 5 hours.

I can't even bring my thoughts together properly of how I truly feel - when I'm so low I can't even articulate my feelings, they just are.

Everyday I say, ''..ok this is the last one..'', everyday I say '' oh I will start tomorrow..'' but I've been saying that for 10 fucking years and I'm just getting fatter and fatter and fatter and fucking fatter everyday.

I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself but today I'm really low and as I type this I feel tears welling up in my eyes because all I can think about now is having a piece of cake that myself and the kids baked today...

What I will do to try and dismiss the craving is say something along the lines of ... '' ok, if you don't give into the temptation it means you will overcome obesity but if do give into it you will never leave this category...''...

But right after thinking that, I will still dip into the jar and get some custard creams, why do I do it? Most of the time I'm not even hungry..

I dunno, I'm just gonna go to bed and sleep off this feeling... I'm just really low - not 'depression' low but just extremely disappointed in myself...

New found hope and motivation...

The title says it all, nothing more nothing less. :)

Today is one of them days where my life seems purposeless...

I guess my depression is creeping back up on me...

Minus the kids at home, I'm just lonely, isolated and I feel as if 'is this really living?'..

My cousin came to stay with me for a week and now that she's gone it's almost like it made me realise how much I need human interaction. I thought I was a happy recluse but now I see that's just a front.

I've been slacking...

I'm both embarrassed and pissed off at myself once more. I don't have a lot to write today, I won't wallow in pity, instead I'm going hop right back on this weight loss wagon.

I think I'll always love him...

Ok, so I'll give you a little overview.

I met my ex (my daughter's dad) when I was 17. He was my first boyfriend...We were together for almost 5 years when our daughter was one we broke up. Anyway, he has constantly been in our lives. When I was preggy he moved down to be closer to us.

He was a prick when I was pregnant and a prick when I gave birth but for the past t

Weigh-in ( Aug 1, 2010)

Seconds later (without consuming anything)..

So we'll do an average and say this week my weight is 213.85 lbs ( 15st 3lbs)

Last week my weight was 216.7lbs which makes that a loss of 2.85lbs. Nice one!

Beautiful Randomness…

Hope everyone is having a fabulous weekend; my weekend has been jolly good so far – thanks for asking by the way  .

So today I took the kiddies to the park for a picnic, then they went off playing while I designed a few earring pieces. It was such a beautiful thing; just my sketch pad and I in an open gigantic empty park just appreciating this place called Earth.

Ringlets + Egytian Eye of Horus...

So after spending almost four hours in the park I took a 10 minute stroll to my humble abode to find a cat who is obsessed with me!

KittyKatty - I'll name him/her 'T'

This is the fourth time I’ve found this cat just sitting on my doorstep! The first time I saw him/her – I opened my door to get out and he was trying to force his way in! By the way, I don’t know the sex of the cat but it’s easier to write just one sex as oppose to him/her. Now that that’s out the way….

Anyway, this time I was a bit torn whether to feed him or not but he seemed really hungry. I didn’t want to encourage him to keep coming back but I didn’t want him to just be dying of hunger. A bit dramatic but I love animals and just could resist giving him some tuna:

'T' eating tuna..

Anyway guys, that’s it for today episode of ‘Beautiful Randomness’ – Enjoy the rest of your weekend. Be great – Tre.