Yeah yeah, how many times will I say this right? How many times will I continue to be weak?
Why do I keep doing this? I know the pattern, I mean it's been happening for the past 10 years. It's absolutely pathetic really. I know what will make me eat, lose weight, make me feel fat etc.
I realise that if I have a protein shake in the morning, it's as if I've been 'good' or I've 'accomplished' something, that positive feeling motivates me and I'm not sure if it's all in the mind but I usually don't feel hungry again until atleast another 5 hours.
I can't even bring my thoughts together properly of how I truly feel - when I'm so low I can't even articulate my feelings, they just are.
Everyday I say, ''..ok this is the last one..'', everyday I say '' oh I will start tomorrow..'' but I've been saying that for 10 fucking years and I'm just getting fatter and fatter and fatter and fucking fatter everyday.
I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself but today I'm really low and as I type this I feel tears welling up in my eyes because all I can think about now is having a piece of cake that myself and the kids baked today...
What I will do to try and dismiss the craving is say something along the lines of ... '' ok, if you don't give into the temptation it means you will overcome obesity but if do give into it you will never leave this category...''...
But right after thinking that, I will still dip into the jar and get some custard creams, why do I do it? Most of the time I'm not even hungry..
I dunno, I'm just gonna go to bed and sleep off this feeling... I'm just really low - not 'depression' low but just extremely disappointed in myself...
